Sunday, July 26, 2009

Leash Law Enforcement!

Sunday. Noon. You just woke up and glanced outside. YES! Another perfect sunny California beach day. Grab a towel, sunglasses, that book you've been waiting to read, maybe stop by and pick up a refreshing smoothie. What the heck, splurge a little and even pick up the latest fashion magazine. It's your day off and you are envisioning that moment where you sit your ass down, take a deep breath, and hope the sun seeps the alcohol out from the night before.

Whoa! Prime parking at the beach. Things are looking up. Just like a cougar you eye out your beach spot and prance on it, lay out your towel, maybe even urinate around it to mark your territory.

Ah, ah, ah. THE LIFE. You made it. It's time to relax and unwind right? WRONG!

Then it happens..... KIDS! LOTS OF THEM! Screaming, yelling, not understanding that sand doesn't feel good when kicked in your face. PANIC. Look around to see where these hellions came from. To your right you have frat boy central jamming out to horrible top 40 tunes. One of them won't stop talking about how he "almost" landed a girl at da club last night. You "almost" felt compelled to inform him that it may be his annoying voice or his tribal arm band tattoo but you have other things on my mind, like someone get these kids on crack out of my beach zone. MOM BUTT SPOTTED! There she is with beach toys surrounding her. OBSERVE. She doesn't even notice that what came out of her womb is now destroying what could have been a tranquil day at the beach. She is IMMUNE to the high pitch whine. How do you put an end to this travesty?

Solution: Kid Leashes!

A once disturbing thought should now be enforced by the law. Dog owners have to do it. Why shouldn't parents of disruptive children have to? They could even make kid leashes cool, like waterproof, glow in the dark, or designer kid leashes for the materialistic image conscious parent! Kids could pick out their own leash and brag about it at preschool. In the future I see a big business investment in kid leashes but most importantly I see lots of beach goers smile as they walk past a kid who is about to take his shovel and spray sand then just like that one tug on the leash and you are saved from disaster.

Keep an eye out for the new leash law signs at a beach near you!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The funeral worker that always wanted to be a Magician OR Another Classic Southern Tale of Stupidity

Just like most people after a exciting weekend to get back into the swing of things I sat down to check my e-mail. Occasionally on my e-mail website I will view the news headlines to see if something interesting is happening in this place we call world. It's pathetic that my news source typically consists of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, People Magazine, and I figure they cover the basics that at least I am interested in. HOWEVA today AOL won me over with the headline: FUNERAL HOME SHUT AFTER BODY'S LEGS CUT. Oh yeah it gets good. In South Carolina a funeral home worker cut a man's legs because he was too "tall" to fit in the casket. "Welcome to South Carolina, If you're too tall and you die we cut your fucking legs off!" I really think that should be the new state motto on the Welcome sign when you enter SC. Sure it might be detrimental to the tourism for Myrtle Beach but I also think it would keep all the tall people that sit in front of you at the movies out of SC. It's a win-win situation South Carolina.. think about it.

How tall was this poor guy? A whooping 6 feet and 7 inches! Are you kidding me? No I am not. To make the story even more intriguing (like you really need to) the victim was an albino black guy that produced several funk hits in the 70's. He could have been that cool albino black 70's soul funk guitarist that produced some hit but NO now he will always be the guy that got his legs cut off to fit in the casket. I still shake my head in disbelief that instead of finding a proper casket (because I know they got to be out there I mean people over 6 feet do die right?) someone looked at an electric saw and thought, "hmm now that's a good idea"

Here's the ICING ON THE CAKE and I don't even like icing, NO ONE NOTICED! An open casket and no one notices that they are staring at just a head and a torso. I understand grieving and how funerals can be so surreal but come on. Thank GOD I wasn't there because knowing my loud ass it wouldn't take long for me to say, "WHOA WHERE ARE THIS GUY'S LEGS?" and that could make for an awkward funeral reception.

If you want to read this article go ahead ( but it's best fitting to just laugh at how stupid and yet how funny funeral workers can be. Also it proves that cremation is so the way or just don't die in South.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Bad Invention Vs. Good Invention

In a Karamastic world we would never have allowed car companies to invent the automatic seat belt. Do you remember the first time you jumped into a car and then it happened.. that's right the unthinkable? The moment where you thought you were an adult or in my case close to an adult (or pretended to be) and then just like that the automatic electronic seat belt was locking you in. Hmm this is interesting I didn't think I was at six flags. Is some creepy looking dude going to come and tug at my belt to "make sure" this seat belt is secure before I start my 70mph ride? No he isn't because you are in a fucking car. My first set of wheels was a mafia Fleetwood edition 80's limo but then came my sweet 94' Saturn and yes it had the automatic seat belt. Every time I would sit my Catholic school girl ass into that aqua colored clown car I remember the 8 seconds of torture where that stoooopid shoulder belt would slide on down the tracks and I would do a mini Jim Carey-esq freak out session. What saved me was either a Smiths CD or a really shitty Rusted Root/Ben Harper mix that an ex boyfriend made me. Either way I was thrilled and entertained when I sold that car to a guy who loved the idea of an automatic seat belt. What an idiot.

On the other hand why can't we get more of the 25cent self-cleaning city public toilets they teased us with in Boston (circa 2001). Rumor has it the great Mayor Thomas Menino (you know the guy with the terrible lisp and the trashy Boston accent) was walking in SF and saw how amazing the city toilets were and wanted to make this entity possible to the great people of Boston. Six city toilets and $180,000 later we had them. My favorite city toilet was the one near the BPL (Boston Public Library) on Boylston. It lays smack in the middle of the sidewalk which makes it ever so uncomfortable when you exit the city toilet. First of all they look like a spaceship and who doesn't want to shit in a spaceship. Second you pay a measly 25cents for an HOUR. That's right you heard me 60mins of private bathroom time! Third you don't have to touch anything... TP, soap, water, air is all activated by motion. FOURTH after you exit it does a full cleaning bleach session where the entire unit is cleaned top to bottom. The only negative is that they reek like a YMCA pool but if you have been in the Venice Beach public bathrooms (where I am convinced prisoners and elepants on acid are brought at night) I think a little Clorox is fine.


Oh You wanna Fist Bump? That was sooo Presidental Election 08'

Until recently I thought the basic fist bump was wicked cool... that was until I met three studs that changed my nightlife forever. It's called the "task list" and I am not even sure I should be writing about this but after all this is Merica and I believe freedom of blogging still applies.
Let me break it down for you:

There is a piece of paper and a writing utensil. You get together a group of people. Now this is where it gets tricky. You've got friends (or maybe you don't which in this case sucks for you) but if you truly want to do the task list you must ween out your "mediocre, yeah s/he's cool buuuut ______ (insert lacking quality)" NOPE sorry. This isn't a joke.
So you and your totally insanely awesome friends come up with a list of tasks hence the "task list" Are you following me? Good. Great. FANTASTIC!
What goes on this list? What do I do with this list after my friends and I have composed it?
The list is suppose to be a compilation of ridiculous things you must act on at the bar involving complete strangers.
Example List:
1) Convince someone that you went to Elementary School and or Middle School with them
2) Go up to a person of a particular obvious race and ask them if they are a complete other race.
Ok I already know what you are thinking but you're wrong. This isn't going to get you in to a fight. You just gotta act like a complete idiot. I asked a guy clearly from India if he was Icelandic... turns out he isn't.
3) Ask someone the difference between genital herpes and poison oak.
Alright this one I did and my response was priceless. He told me "YEAH ONE GOES AWAY AND ONE DOESN'T" I have to give that guy props. What a brilliant response.

Now that you get the idea, what does this have to do with fist bumps? It has everything to do with fist bumps. In fact the variation fake out fist bump is classic task list material. There is the "stick shift" where you go for a fist bump but instead grab the person's fist and pretend it's a stick shift. There is also the "jellyfish" where you also go up to a stranger pretend to do a fist bump and instead turn your fist into a jellyfish and and float away in a jellyfish motion. The list goes on.. but you get the picture. Basic fist bump is OUT!

At this point in the blog you must be thinking, "Wow this all sounds very mature" and you're right it isn't at all. All I can tell you is that next time you are out in a bar and you are bored of the same scene why not spice it up. No it isn't like Punk'd. There are no hidden cameras and no Ashton's running out but there will be many moments where you walk away from strangers leaving them with confusion of "Whoa did I go to Valley Lake Jr. High with that girl?" or "Gross that girl just asked if I knew a good local gynecologist because she is having some problems down there.. wait whaat?" and of course the bewildered look of a stranger after they thought they were going in for a basic fist pump and you pulled the "dolphin".

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Michael Jackson Who?

After watching some bits and pieces of the Michael Jackson funeral my mind began to think of other amazing artists that we have lost. Dennis Parker ring a bell? Probably not. I only discovered this gem a couple months ago and just as MJ fans go weak in the knees as did I for Mr. Dennis Parker (aka real name: Wade Nichols). Could it be his pedifile stache or that "I'm touching myself with a peacock feather" look in his eyes? Either way this guy should be discussed more. As an aspiring soap opera star he went from acting to making disco records to getting back on the acting train.. only this time (you guessed it) PORN. First film, 1975, Exploring Young Girls. Yeah that's not creepy at all!?! But like MJ he wanted to be the best at entertaining and thus he went balls to the wall to the next level... gay porn. Don't think I haven't spent countless lonely evenings trying to get my hands on some DP porn because I have and I totally convinced they have his pornos locked up with the JFK files. Although everytime I watch Like an Eagle, (in pure awe) I remember that Dennis Parker's tale also has a tragic ending. He eventually got AIDs and committed suicide. He went waaaay before his time but when you have so much talent sometimes the crazy world of gay porn gets the best of ya. Now go pour yourself a glass of cheap wine and induldge yourself into the world of Dennis Parker. You may find yourself relating to this sex icon. I know I sure do. wiiiiink!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Get Inspired or Get In Line

Greeetings! So like every bored lost soul I decided to start a blog. While many a blogs are devoted to music, celebs, politics, or other really cool crap this one is devoted to abstract ideas and comedy. Mostly I hope this blog's purpose is to have you come home, take off your shoes, open your expensive water bottle (or just drink from a hose) and prepare for awesomeness (by reading this of course). As for an east coast girl that is about to enter the scary world of LA live comedy I thought what better way to start throwing ideas out there and maybe getting feedback. So what's up with drinking from a hose? Well today my sister informed me that she was working at a house and asked for a cup of water and the lady replied, "JUST DRINK FROM THE HOSE" and of course my sister replied "Uhh it looks kinda dirty ..when did you purchase it?" First of all my sister should have brought her own water to a job site but for someone to seriously suggest drinking from a nasty old hose is quite hilarious. Also I think no one looks cool drinking from a hose well with an exception of my little black kid photo but let's face it little black kids look cool at everything. Hmm maybe that is why the adoption trend started. Anyway I hope to bring laughs to bloggers everywhere. And as the great Bob Dole said "The Internet is a great place to get on the net."